Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
