I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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