I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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