I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
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This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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