Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
