Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
