I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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