i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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