I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
