Your mouth is God's brothel.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
