Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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