We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
