I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
