Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
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Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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