Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
