Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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