It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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