having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
