last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
