Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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