Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
