a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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