and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
