My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
