Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
