my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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