you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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