I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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