Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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