There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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