He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Randomize
