I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
