I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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