You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
