Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
