Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
