the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
