how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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