I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
