It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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