you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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