from now on my penis is your penis
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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