you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
