Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
