nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just threw up on my dentist
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
