all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
