theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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