I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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