She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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