so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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