we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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