I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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