Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
