I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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